Interview mode.....

I've noticed something: So many of us go through life in job interview mode. By that I mean whenever someone asks us a question, we have all these autopilot responses (e.g., "How are you?" "Good"), and craft our answer so that we don't offend anyone and we come across politically correct.

I've tried online dating, and I see this a lot. I swear, everyone online ``loves their job'', ``has a wonderful group of friends and family'', ``laid-back but ambitious'', is "comfortable in jeans but looks great dressing up". (I'd actually find it refreshing to read a profile where a woman admits to having PMS and getting around on her broom a few days every month. See at least I'd see she is being honest and so I'd be a lot more likely to believe the sweet things she says after that. But I digress...) And I used to be in Interview Mode all the time myself. I still catch myself doing it when I feel intimidated or when I really feel a desire to impress someone. And there is a time and place for it too. There's versions of a story you tell your parents, your boss, and your closest friends. Your boss aint your therapist. Neither is your date.


The thing is though, we often overdo it. We also subconsciously feel when we are being dealt with in Job Interview Mode. And when this happens, we don't feel much connection or chemistry with the other person. There's nothing for us to latch onto. We also suspect on some level what the other person is hiding and if they are even worth getting to know. A high-status person tends to say what is on his mind. A low-status person is preoccupied with pleasing others.

No wonder why there aren't too many second dates with online dating.

Anyway, what are we hiding? What are we ashamed of? For myself... well, I earned a PhD, but I nearly flunked out of college. I just had trouble focusing in lectures/groups and even now I just feel a pull to go off and do my own thing. I'm not a great natural athlete but I did get a letter in high school, and I am really proud of that one letter because I know how hard I had to work to earn it.

I've had relationships not work out, despite my best efforts. I've had one-night stands and thought I was way cooler than I really was for that. I've gotten my heart broken, and honestly, I haven't always been as careful as I should have been with other people's feelings in the past. I've been accused of having walls up. I still have moments where I feel incredibly socially awkward, although I'd like to think that by now I've learned to hide it maybe 70% of the time. I'd like to think that I've become a more thoughtful and mature person and a better man as I've gotten older. Lord knows I do my best, despite my shortcomings.


As for my career, I'm good at what I do but I'm not sure if it is my passion the way it was 10 years ago. I sometimes get up in the morning not really sure how or if I am making the world a better place. Meanwhile, I have done a lot of soul-searching for what I really am meant to do, and the one phrase that resonates with me is ``blaze a trail''. I'll just keep pushing and pushing and pushing until I succeed, and I'm convinced God made me so fucking hardheaded for a reason. It's what inspired me to go into science in the first place. I never had a desire to own a big house or a flashy car, but what I really wanted was to solve the big open problem. To be the first to figure out something important and share the knowledge. To be the first to climb the mountain, and then lead the way for others.

Anyway, maybe that is why I am here writing this blog. Not so much that I am going to say something that profound, but I am hoping that someone will find it useful in some way.


This is my experiment in the meanwhile... whenever I catch myself going into Interview Mode I am going to say something outrageous or something that is truly on my mind. I think a lot of the ``nice guys'' especially would benefit from this. I'd say, don't try to impress and don't be afraid to offend. What if you were to speak your mind more at work? Instead of playing up your job as more impressive than it really is, do you really think your date would run if you were to tell her that your job is sometimes just a paycheck for you, and that you had moments where you fantasized about running away and taking a year off. What if you were to tell her that your job is just your paycheck but it's not your passion and that you are doing some soul-searching for what really motivates you? I mean, she can tell whether you are bluffing your way so you might as well be honest.

I guess my point is that great things do happen if we do go for what we really want and say what we are really thinking/feeling. Not only does everyone--including ourselves--respect us for having balls, but we often end up getting what is was that we asked for.