I was on a first date with someone last Wednesday night. Around 8:15 (5:15 PDT for those of you on the West Coast) I break a cardinal rule of first dates and interrupt her to check my phone. "Hold on a second. I really need to check this..." She then hears me blast out some expletives. I just saw WOD 12.4.
So I didn't come across as a weirdo, I explained to her what I was checking out. We had a conversation about CrossFit, wall-balls (I hate 'em and I suck at 'em), double-unders, and muscle-ups (my chance to brag--I'm pretty good at these).
I met this girl online. Which is what I really want to talk about this time--online dating. I got into it because ultimately I am looking for one the right person for me. I haven't found her yet, but I have amassed some interesting stories. None of them horror stories--I would actually say that for every person I met, there was something good about them that made seeing them--even if it was only that one time--worthwhile. Anyway, this is my perspective on it, as a single guy. I'm going to try to say some things that are useful to people of both genders.
The pros of online dating: You get to meet a lot of different people of the opposite gender. If you're smart you'll "get better at" dating. (I put this in quotes because I'm not entirely positive about what it means. I have an idea though.) Your social skills will become sharper. You'll get lots of practice in dealing with the following scenario: You have someone in front of you whom you've never met, and the idea is to let a connection happen between you and the other person. You'll become better at asking questions to draw them out, and at telling stories about your life that the other person can relate to. If you are smart that is.
The cons of online dating: You will have a lot of people cycle in and out of your life. As in, you notice them online, you write them, and they write you back! Then you exchange a couple emails on each end where you put in effort to come across as witty, interested, and interesting... and then you finally meet and go out, and for all the built-up anticipation, that's it. The first date was "nice" but there is no second date. If you are a guy, you will find this out because she won't return your phone calls or texts, and if you are a girl, he will never call or text you, your great email exchange notwithstanding. Who knows quite what is going on at their end or yours. BUT for all that energy on your end, it was still a no-rep.
For all this, you do end up making friends with some of the people you meet. I have at least.
Anyway, you may go through something like this a bunch of times in a year. Can you handle that? I accepted that as it is what it is, but I don't like that aspect of it.
I will give you an example from my own life that made me realize I needed to slow my roll. One point in the past I wrote 7 women online in a couple of days. As maybe 15--20% write me back (I hear that is actually a decent ratio for a guy), I expect that this will lead to one girl I'd be communicating with. Well, three of them wrote me back. I ended up with three first dates the next week. I ended up keeping them all straight from each other by using a notebook. All three first dates were "nice" and ended with a kiss. By the end of the week my head was spinning. Some guys are wired to be players. I apparently am not.
It ended up working out not so bad though. Two of the three didn't return my phone calls anyway.
I want to emphasize that this is definitely NOT the way I want to be dating. I am really looking for that one special girl. If I end up being friends with someone it's fine, but I'm just not wired to be having all of these people come in and out of my life. That said, online dating is what it is. These are my suggestions, from what I've observed...
Guys, the ideal first dates are the ones where you are active and doing something you like. I stress this for guys because it is on us to plan the date. (Do I even need to mention to have a specific plan ready when you call the girl?) It also should be something she might like too. The main reason is that if you are having fun and you are conveying that to her, she will be more likely to be enjoying herself too.
Every girl I dated for any length of time ended up becoming into at least some of what I was into. That's true for you too, right?
Finding something like that hopefully isn't that hard. You wrote her because you could see her fitting into your life, right? You show consideration by making the logistics easy for her--semi-public so she feels safe, and easy for her to get to if she doesn't feel comfortable wit you picking her up, and give her your last name.
Example: I like hiking. So now that the weather has gotten nice that is my first choice for a first date. And I'm finding that the girls who go along with that are just cooler and lower-maintenance. (I assume that the girl isn't some psycho or anything. To assure the girl I'm sane myself, I will give the girl my last name in my first text to her.)
At any rate, the first date needs to be something where you are NOT spending too much money. Why would you be spending a lot of money anyway? What are you trying to do? Do you think that will impress her or make her feel special? The two of you don't know each other yet! I would say that if she expects that of a guy she hasn't met before, then...
As a backup plan, find a few fun bars or coffee shops in different areas and a place where you can walk around if things are going really well.
Girls, say a bit more in your profile. Women complain about the bad emails they get from guys online. But what is a guy supposed to write you, when so many of you put the usual cliches in your profile. "Duh, your friends and family are really important to you?? And you love going out one night and staying in the next night?? You love to laugh and travel too? How rare!"
When you write your profile, I would advise: think of what you would want a guy to ask you or comment on. Then drop in a hook.
And in your pictures, why do so many of you have shots of you getting too palsy-walsy with other guys? We get that you are popular and that guys find you attractive. As someone who has female friends and a couple close ones, I think it's cool if a girl has male friends. But no guy wants to get involved with a girl who has guy friends she is "too close" with. Do I really need to explain why?
As for myself personally, there just aren't that many women I decide to write. Nothing to connect to in their profiles. That's the main reason for me. The few that I do decide to write, it was because I saw something that they wrote or something in their pictures that I could connect with.
I didn't say much about how to act on the first date. That is kind of telling. Truthfully, if the date doesn't go well, many of us guys actually will blame ourselves. You might be surprised. BUT be aware, a big reason why we guys don't call you for Date #2 is because you just didn't seem that into us. We have our pride too....
More to come in a future blog....
No comments:
Post a Comment