Not being a fan...

Or should I say, not being *just* a fan.

Before class on Tuesday I came in early to work on my lifts. I love this extra work because I am seeing and feeling the results. Anyway, I worked on snatches and overhead squats.

I start with the 45-pound bar and hang power snatch it. I feel a twinge of pain from my wrists. I try to bend down into an overhead squat but I wasn't going down. I am really really stiff. I do a couple more with the bar, and then I add a 25-pound plate on each side to make it 95 pounds total, and that helps. The extra weight actually helps pushes me down into an overhead squat. My wrists still ache a bit, but not as much. I do a few of those until I feel warmed up.

I then do a few 115-pound hang power snatches to warm up.

Finally I take off the smaller plates off the bar, and put a 45-pound plate on each side of the bar for 135 pounds total. I then squat down and snatch-grip the barbell. My body is still reluctant, but I'm going to push through anyway. I snatch the barbell overhead (no pressout), and then with my arms still locked out, I do 7 overhead squats, perfect form and depth. Nice. Feeling quite satisfied, I then drop the barbell from the overhead position and let it fall to the floor with a satisfying thud.

My wrists are no longer aching.

I do this two more times--a snatch from the ground with the 135-pound barbell and then with my arms already locked out overhead, 7 overhead squats, resting a couple of minutes between sets. I am feeling so fired up that even though I said I wasn't going to do any muscle-ups, I do a set of 4.

Then it's time for the class workout, a smoker of 4 rounds of 10 hand-stand pushups, 15 1.5 pood kettlebell swings, 10 burpees, and then a 200-meter row. Even though there was a 6-minute rest between rounds, by the time I am done I am on my hands and knees unable to talk and dripping sweat on the floor.

Why am I doing this?

I think about why and I realize that I never wanted to be just a fan. I want to be the one with the stories and lessons, the one blazing the trail. I've always admired athletic accomplishment, and so I want that to be me as well. I want to be someone pushing the limits and overcoming obstacles.

I know I'm not unique. I work out with some amazing people. People who are making things happen in and out of the box.

And yet I'm battling myself a lot too. As I am writing this I have a stiff back. I have to curtail my intensity before I turn myself into an old man. I am incredibly lazy sometimes too. One part of me is so focused, and yet another part of me can be a slacker with the best of them.

Nuts eh?