Strength....

Yesterday was my first day back in Strength class after a week at home seeing my parents and my grandparents. I will be straight up and say that I didn't like my attitude towards the workout.

We started with my beloved 400-meter run with a 45-pound high-temp plate. I felt sluggish during it. We then get back and do some warm-ups, and then we do 3 stone-to-shoulders a minute for 6 minutes (I used a 115-pound stone), and then after that and being out of breath, we do another 400-meter plate run! I found myself walking for most of it. And then when we came back from that, we were to do overhead plate lunges with our 45-pound plate (!) and then walk 100 meters with our plate overhead.

More than once I found myself dropping the plate, as much in frustration and anger as in being tired. The cheers to "keep on going!!" made me feel like a mule that was gonna kick someone. "Fuck you with there's no stopping shit, I'm stopping. What has gotten into Luis today. I don't want to do this."

It wasn't all bad. We then went back and did 10 sets of 5 push-presses. And then a 200-meter plate run. I felt so bad about my attitude during the last plate run that I made an extra effort this time to give my all--for some reason 400 meters felt insurmountably far but 200 meters seemed quite doable. And then after class, to make it up, I did a 100-meter overhead plate walk. I had to drop the plate 3 times, but I did the whole thing with the plate overhead, and more importantly, this time I gave it an honest effort with a good attitude. I then stayed and did some muscle-ups.

(I don't know why I struggle with holding the overhead position. I am pretty good at overhead squats and even hand-stand pushups. And yet the longest I have ever held a wall handstand is only 57 seconds (or was it over 60 seconds? I'd like to think I could have dug really deep and found those extra 3 seconds to break a minute...) and I am pretty weak in these overhead walks. Anyway, as I need to improve on this, I should actually be doing this more.)

Anyway, this is something that I am working on. Emotional AND physical strength. I realize I still find myself getting all too pissed and frustrated when things don't go my way, and all too happy when things do. And as I admire composure and poise, I also realize that I don't like this trait about myself. Now that I aware of it, I can improve, right?

Feet of clay....

I have really been pushing myself at Strength class at our box, and the results are starting to show. I deadlifted 355 yesterday--well over twice my bodyweight, and in general I feel worlds stronger. Luis, our coach, has us run a 400 meter lap with a 45-pound rubber bumper plate. Running with a 45-pound sandbag is tough enough, but a 45-pound bumper plate is that much tougher as, unlike the sandbag, there is no remotely comfortable way to hold the thing while running. Anyway, the first time he had us do it 5 weeks ago, I had to stop and walk by 250 meters in. Last week I was able to complete the entire lap without stopping.

And then after class I have been doing muscle-ups. I understand that when they appear in the Open, they tend to come towards the end, so I want to be able to bang them out even when I am tired. And it seems to be working. Even after we do Prowler suicides in Strength class, I am able to get out 4 or 5 strict in one set. (My PR is still 7 strict in one set, but that was when I was fresh.)

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Why did I get into CrossFit Part 2. Well, I know some people got into it to get into the best shape of their lives. Some people got into it because they miss the competition they got from playing sports growing up. I am going to confess something here: I got obsessed with CrossFit to heal something. I got obsessed with CrossFit to deal with my issues. I got obsessed with CrossFit to prove something to myself. This is how can I put it--a therapy of sorts for me.

Growing up, I didn't have a good self-image. I'm not positive where I got it from, except that I was really really good in math and science but not good in sports. I was also socially awkward, and being in a male-dominated field (science and math) didn't help. I just didn't think of myself as lovable and so in my much younger days I even would do things such as sabotage friendships. On some level deep down I had no idea what I could possibly offer anyone else--just being real here.

The one thing I have always had going for myself though, is that I am incredibly stubborn (as I mentioned before several times). Even though I wasn't happy and I wasn't confident, I still knew I was going to do whatever it took for me to get past this.

And by many measures I've largely succeeded. I've moved to new cities by myself and made friends there. I did this several times in my adult life. I had to push myself to get myself out there, but I did it. I (more or less) got over my shyness. I successfully taught a college class. Even though there were hardly women in my classes and my workplace, I still dated my share.  How did I do it? I got more than decent at meeting women. It was either that or be alone (I only recently discovered the option of online dating) so I made myself go up and talk to the girl. And sometimes she even liked me back--enough to give me her number and meet up with me. I loved and lost. I screwed up myself. I was even cheated on, but I eventually got over it.

But in some regards I still felt weak. Do I have what it takes to be strong? How about strong physically? Well, maybe. I worked my ass off in that regards. I can deadlift well over twice my bodyweight. I can bang out strict muscle-ups. I can push-press my bodyweight, and I can overhead squat well over my bodyweight. I still have no endurance though, and I don't have a double-under (although that is something I have been avoiding facing). My Olympic lifts--the C+J and snatch are so beautiful when they are done right in my opinion--still need some work. My numbers are actually decent but my form is not so much. I muscle things where finesse would work so much better.

I definitely can say this: With every heavy lift, with every prowler suicide, I feel that I am growing. And that keeps me coming back for more. Someone I really think highly of complimented me how I always bring the intensity. That made me feel really good.

Anyway to this end, who I would like to meet and date: Well, yes, what I said before about the girl being cute and passionate about something in life. She also would have to be a bit of a bad-ass. But she would also have to be able to relate to all I wrote above. Whenever I meet women who strike me as the "perfect" All-America type who was always beautiful and popular, I actually find myself feeling intimidated and uneasy. I wonder if she would be able to relate to me. It's as I said before: We are attracted to someone else through their strengths, but we connect and fall in love with someone through their vulnerabilities....