Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
People whom I find exasperating...
Writing is cathartic to me. Anyway, I really like to believe the best of humanity, but I am often disappointed. Now, I will be the first to admit that I am no Zen-Master. I'm chill in a lot of things, but I'm sure there are things that bother me that hardly register with other people, such as perhaps you. Anyway, here is my list of the types of people who drive me crazy..
1. Oblivious/inconsiderate drivers. I confess. I'm Type-A. I'm also one of those people who pays full attention when he drives, and I expect that same sort of attention of someone else who is piloting some two tons of mass alongside me on the road.
Yes, Mr Honda Accord driver who didn't go when the green arrow, I'm talking to you. If you were truly lost, I understand and apologize for giving you the finger. BUT if you decided that you wanted to go to Trader Joes instead of Whole Foods, keep in mind that you probably took 5 minutes off several people's lunch break, including mine, when there was no need. Make the left turn anyway and turn around.
I'm also talking about you, Ms Ford Focus going 45 in the center lane on the highway. You're not only holding people up, but you're also a safety risk. I'm not only figuring out how to get around you, but I am also concerned about the guy bearing down on my ass going 70.
I'm also talking about you, Ms Ford Explorer holding up Main Street for 219 seconds (I timed it) to wait for someone to pull out of a spot, when there was a few perfectly nice spots maybe a couple cars up. Walk the 10 extra steps. You could use the exercise!
I'm also talking about you, Mr. Dodge Durango blocking the left lane going 55. Not only are you blocking forward progress, but you are causing added wear-and-tear on our infrastructure AND our environment because YOU feel the need to drive a such a big heavy vehicle to look cool. Assclown!
2. Women who don't return phone calls. This seems to be a phenomenon in online dating. I saw your profile, I wrote you. (Very rare for me, as it's hard for me to find someone I'm interested in. Maybe that says something bad about myself...) We had a nice email exchange. We talked on the phone. You seem really cool. I carve out time to see you. We get together. I think it went well. You don't agree. That's perfectly fine, BUT would you give me the respect of a response back?
I HAVE been called too idealistic and naive. I've never been that good at this "dating" thing, but I am learning the "game" and I have mixed feelings about it. That said, I'd like to see YOU make all the first moves, plan a date, AND drive the distance to see the other person, feel hopeful and excited, and then have them blow you off as a non-person. At some point you become more realistic and realize that you are dealing with a stranger and do what you can to make first meets as effortless as possible, but it still wears on you. [Like I said earlier, I do take some things too personally.] And how are we really going to find love if we're all so damn cynical?
I get that the last guys you were with were jerks. I'm not any of those guys. I've seen my share of bad behavior before too, but I don't hold it against you. You're not any of those girls either. (I did go through an "angry" period myself, but I got past it. I just didn't like the person I had become during that time and I had to move on.) I'd like to think seeing that has made me more compassionate--I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of bad behavior, and because I hated it, I do my best not to subject others to that sort of thing. My policy is: If you ask where you stand, I will tell you.
(Which brings me to an aside... You've heard from The Rules not to contact a man. That's BS. I can tell you a few instances where I was on the fence about calling the girl again, but what swayed me to say yes was that she contacted me after the date. I appreciate some effort and I think most other guys do.)
3. People who pay with checks. I know I know, you have as much of right to pay with a check as I do with my newfangled methods of bank card. But it's still irritating. [I was just behind someone who paid with check.] It's 2011, and 2012 is getting closer. My grandparents have a credit card and they're 90 years old. Get with the times!
4. Dudes who do curls in the squat rack! Extra DIScredit if it happens to be a ridiculously light weight, and your hair is slicked back. Extra extra DIScredit if you don't put your weights back. I wish God will have you do 50 burpees for each time you held up the squat rack, AND for each weight you used that didn't put back before He will even THINK of letting you get into Heaven.
Unlike a lot of people who do Crossfit, I have nothing against globos. A lot of people in Crossfit view them as a sort of intrinsic evil, but I have no problem. I actually spent the evening of January 1st, 2011 thrashing myself to a bunch of heavy deadlifts at 24Hour (the way you live the first day of the year is how you live the rest of the year IMO). It was actually an awesome workout. BUT not having to deal with inconsiderate chumps is a nice perk of Crossfit.
My point: I wish people would consider the feelings of other people before they act. Life would be so much easier...
1. Oblivious/inconsiderate drivers. I confess. I'm Type-A. I'm also one of those people who pays full attention when he drives, and I expect that same sort of attention of someone else who is piloting some two tons of mass alongside me on the road.
Yes, Mr Honda Accord driver who didn't go when the green arrow, I'm talking to you. If you were truly lost, I understand and apologize for giving you the finger. BUT if you decided that you wanted to go to Trader Joes instead of Whole Foods, keep in mind that you probably took 5 minutes off several people's lunch break, including mine, when there was no need. Make the left turn anyway and turn around.
I'm also talking about you, Ms Ford Focus going 45 in the center lane on the highway. You're not only holding people up, but you're also a safety risk. I'm not only figuring out how to get around you, but I am also concerned about the guy bearing down on my ass going 70.
I'm also talking about you, Ms Ford Explorer holding up Main Street for 219 seconds (I timed it) to wait for someone to pull out of a spot, when there was a few perfectly nice spots maybe a couple cars up. Walk the 10 extra steps. You could use the exercise!
I'm also talking about you, Mr. Dodge Durango blocking the left lane going 55. Not only are you blocking forward progress, but you are causing added wear-and-tear on our infrastructure AND our environment because YOU feel the need to drive a such a big heavy vehicle to look cool. Assclown!
2. Women who don't return phone calls. This seems to be a phenomenon in online dating. I saw your profile, I wrote you. (Very rare for me, as it's hard for me to find someone I'm interested in. Maybe that says something bad about myself...) We had a nice email exchange. We talked on the phone. You seem really cool. I carve out time to see you. We get together. I think it went well. You don't agree. That's perfectly fine, BUT would you give me the respect of a response back?
I HAVE been called too idealistic and naive. I've never been that good at this "dating" thing, but I am learning the "game" and I have mixed feelings about it. That said, I'd like to see YOU make all the first moves, plan a date, AND drive the distance to see the other person, feel hopeful and excited, and then have them blow you off as a non-person. At some point you become more realistic and realize that you are dealing with a stranger and do what you can to make first meets as effortless as possible, but it still wears on you. [Like I said earlier, I do take some things too personally.] And how are we really going to find love if we're all so damn cynical?
I get that the last guys you were with were jerks. I'm not any of those guys. I've seen my share of bad behavior before too, but I don't hold it against you. You're not any of those girls either. (I did go through an "angry" period myself, but I got past it. I just didn't like the person I had become during that time and I had to move on.) I'd like to think seeing that has made me more compassionate--I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of bad behavior, and because I hated it, I do my best not to subject others to that sort of thing. My policy is: If you ask where you stand, I will tell you.
(Which brings me to an aside... You've heard from The Rules not to contact a man. That's BS. I can tell you a few instances where I was on the fence about calling the girl again, but what swayed me to say yes was that she contacted me after the date. I appreciate some effort and I think most other guys do.)
3. People who pay with checks. I know I know, you have as much of right to pay with a check as I do with my newfangled methods of bank card. But it's still irritating. [I was just behind someone who paid with check.] It's 2011, and 2012 is getting closer. My grandparents have a credit card and they're 90 years old. Get with the times!
4. Dudes who do curls in the squat rack! Extra DIScredit if it happens to be a ridiculously light weight, and your hair is slicked back. Extra extra DIScredit if you don't put your weights back. I wish God will have you do 50 burpees for each time you held up the squat rack, AND for each weight you used that didn't put back before He will even THINK of letting you get into Heaven.
Unlike a lot of people who do Crossfit, I have nothing against globos. A lot of people in Crossfit view them as a sort of intrinsic evil, but I have no problem. I actually spent the evening of January 1st, 2011 thrashing myself to a bunch of heavy deadlifts at 24Hour (the way you live the first day of the year is how you live the rest of the year IMO). It was actually an awesome workout. BUT not having to deal with inconsiderate chumps is a nice perk of Crossfit.
My point: I wish people would consider the feelings of other people before they act. Life would be so much easier...
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Briggs-Meyers, dating, and how my "P"-ness is showing...
I'm not sure how much stock to put in the Briggs-Meyers, but I think it pegged me fairly accurately in one aspect. One scale of BM is a scale from 0 to 10 on the J/P scale, where "J" stands for judging and "P" stands for perceiving. I got an 7 out of 10 for P and a 3 out of 10 for J.
That sounds about right with me. I tend to see the good in people. I understand that my role as the guy is to make plans and I do that, but truthfully what really matters to me is that we hang out. When it comes to going on a second date with someone, assuming that we met for the first, I'm a believer in giving the benefit of the doubt.
I also have some J in me. I'm a believer in law and order. There is something to be said for dress codes IMO and I am a stickler for manners. I've called people out for bad behavior even a couple of times when it was "none of my business" (the outspoken Italian side of me). I like math because I like dealing with correct and incorrect.
Anyway, I'm fairly tolerant of a lot of faults of other people because I know that I am not perfect. Let me count the ways.... I care about doing well by my career and my company, but I'm not sure I would be doing what I am doing if I were independently wealthy. I do what I do just as much because I need to make a living, as because I'm "making the world a better place". I have things about myself and my life that I wish were different. I've been broke before. I can work like hell for a project I feel passionate about but I love love luv sitting on my keister. I've had relationships end because I had some growing up to do. Sometimes I am jealous and insecure. I have a relatively calm exterior that masks a lot of intense emotional ups and downs. I work hard at being sensitive to others' feelings (but don't always succeed) because I am sometimes sensitive myself so I can empathize with that in others. I have a great heart and I am a loyal friend, and I am funny, but it doesn't always come out first meeting especially if I am really feeling it for the girl. I do wish I were better at those things. I do work on being a better person. A better man. I think I've made progress.
(An aside: A big challenge for us guys, IMO, is to walk the line where we show enough interest while not coming across as "too much" or a potential stalker or anything. Even if we aren't consciously aware of it... this is what we are doing. This is especially true when we are into you, but we aren't sure how into us you are yet. Speaking for myself, I can say that we guys hate rejection just as much as you do, but the smart ones man up and make things happen. But I digress...)
As someone in his late 30's, I would say that a lot of people, maybe 95% of us, can identify with at least parts of the above paragraph. Everyone has their struggles and few (if any?) have it figured out. Those who are worth getting to know are in touch with their better nature and are working to get better as people. That said, I think that "P"'s have their own challenges with dating. The problem they have I think, is that they meet someone they are attracted to--looks, sense of humor, whatever--and they overlook some serious red flags because in part of the attraction, but also because well, the "P"'s get that they aren't perfect either. So they sometimes end up getting tied up with the wrong person.
What I am looking for in a partner: A few basics--late 20's to mid 30's, athletic, passionate, kind, lives by the Golden Rule, and in touch with growing as a person. I won't lie--I have to be physically attracted to her (I'm a guy so I am shallow like that). BUT I won't write someone off for being human. I've been lucky enough to meet a few terrific women who I'm friends with, but for whatever reason (distance, either one of us not being "ready", and so on), it hasn't worked out romantically.
That sounds about right with me. I tend to see the good in people. I understand that my role as the guy is to make plans and I do that, but truthfully what really matters to me is that we hang out. When it comes to going on a second date with someone, assuming that we met for the first, I'm a believer in giving the benefit of the doubt.
I also have some J in me. I'm a believer in law and order. There is something to be said for dress codes IMO and I am a stickler for manners. I've called people out for bad behavior even a couple of times when it was "none of my business" (the outspoken Italian side of me). I like math because I like dealing with correct and incorrect.
Anyway, I'm fairly tolerant of a lot of faults of other people because I know that I am not perfect. Let me count the ways.... I care about doing well by my career and my company, but I'm not sure I would be doing what I am doing if I were independently wealthy. I do what I do just as much because I need to make a living, as because I'm "making the world a better place". I have things about myself and my life that I wish were different. I've been broke before. I can work like hell for a project I feel passionate about but I love love luv sitting on my keister. I've had relationships end because I had some growing up to do. Sometimes I am jealous and insecure. I have a relatively calm exterior that masks a lot of intense emotional ups and downs. I work hard at being sensitive to others' feelings (but don't always succeed) because I am sometimes sensitive myself so I can empathize with that in others. I have a great heart and I am a loyal friend, and I am funny, but it doesn't always come out first meeting especially if I am really feeling it for the girl. I do wish I were better at those things. I do work on being a better person. A better man. I think I've made progress.
(An aside: A big challenge for us guys, IMO, is to walk the line where we show enough interest while not coming across as "too much" or a potential stalker or anything. Even if we aren't consciously aware of it... this is what we are doing. This is especially true when we are into you, but we aren't sure how into us you are yet. Speaking for myself, I can say that we guys hate rejection just as much as you do, but the smart ones man up and make things happen. But I digress...)
As someone in his late 30's, I would say that a lot of people, maybe 95% of us, can identify with at least parts of the above paragraph. Everyone has their struggles and few (if any?) have it figured out. Those who are worth getting to know are in touch with their better nature and are working to get better as people. That said, I think that "P"'s have their own challenges with dating. The problem they have I think, is that they meet someone they are attracted to--looks, sense of humor, whatever--and they overlook some serious red flags because in part of the attraction, but also because well, the "P"'s get that they aren't perfect either. So they sometimes end up getting tied up with the wrong person.
What I am looking for in a partner: A few basics--late 20's to mid 30's, athletic, passionate, kind, lives by the Golden Rule, and in touch with growing as a person. I won't lie--I have to be physically attracted to her (I'm a guy so I am shallow like that). BUT I won't write someone off for being human. I've been lucky enough to meet a few terrific women who I'm friends with, but for whatever reason (distance, either one of us not being "ready", and so on), it hasn't worked out romantically.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Interview mode.....
I've noticed something: So many of us go through life in job interview mode. By that I mean whenever someone asks us a question, we have all these autopilot responses (e.g., "How are you?" "Good"), and craft our answer so that we don't offend anyone and we come across politically correct.
I've tried online dating, and I see this a lot. I swear, everyone online ``loves their job'', ``has a wonderful group of friends and family'', ``laid-back but ambitious'', is "comfortable in jeans but looks great dressing up". (I'd actually find it refreshing to read a profile where a woman admits to having PMS and getting around on her broom a few days every month. See at least I'd see she is being honest and so I'd be a lot more likely to believe the sweet things she says after that. But I digress...) And I used to be in Interview Mode all the time myself. I still catch myself doing it when I feel intimidated or when I really feel a desire to impress someone. And there is a time and place for it too. There's versions of a story you tell your parents, your boss, and your closest friends. Your boss aint your therapist. Neither is your date.
The thing is though, we often overdo it. We also subconsciously feel when we are being dealt with in Job Interview Mode. And when this happens, we don't feel much connection or chemistry with the other person. There's nothing for us to latch onto. We also suspect on some level what the other person is hiding and if they are even worth getting to know. A high-status person tends to say what is on his mind. A low-status person is preoccupied with pleasing others.
No wonder why there aren't too many second dates with online dating.
Anyway, what are we hiding? What are we ashamed of? For myself... well, I earned a PhD, but I nearly flunked out of college. I just had trouble focusing in lectures/groups and even now I just feel a pull to go off and do my own thing. I'm not a great natural athlete but I did get a letter in high school, and I am really proud of that one letter because I know how hard I had to work to earn it.
I've had relationships not work out, despite my best efforts. I've had one-night stands and thought I was way cooler than I really was for that. I've gotten my heart broken, and honestly, I haven't always been as careful as I should have been with other people's feelings in the past. I've been accused of having walls up. I still have moments where I feel incredibly socially awkward, although I'd like to think that by now I've learned to hide it maybe 70% of the time. I'd like to think that I've become a more thoughtful and mature person and a better man as I've gotten older. Lord knows I do my best, despite my shortcomings.
As for my career, I'm good at what I do but I'm not sure if it is my passion the way it was 10 years ago. I sometimes get up in the morning not really sure how or if I am making the world a better place. Meanwhile, I have done a lot of soul-searching for what I really am meant to do, and the one phrase that resonates with me is ``blaze a trail''. I'll just keep pushing and pushing and pushing until I succeed, and I'm convinced God made me so fucking hardheaded for a reason. It's what inspired me to go into science in the first place. I never had a desire to own a big house or a flashy car, but what I really wanted was to solve the big open problem. To be the first to figure out something important and share the knowledge. To be the first to climb the mountain, and then lead the way for others.
Anyway, maybe that is why I am here writing this blog. Not so much that I am going to say something that profound, but I am hoping that someone will find it useful in some way.
This is my experiment in the meanwhile... whenever I catch myself going into Interview Mode I am going to say something outrageous or something that is truly on my mind. I think a lot of the ``nice guys'' especially would benefit from this. I'd say, don't try to impress and don't be afraid to offend. What if you were to speak your mind more at work? Instead of playing up your job as more impressive than it really is, do you really think your date would run if you were to tell her that your job is sometimes just a paycheck for you, and that you had moments where you fantasized about running away and taking a year off. What if you were to tell her that your job is just your paycheck but it's not your passion and that you are doing some soul-searching for what really motivates you? I mean, she can tell whether you are bluffing your way so you might as well be honest.
I guess my point is that great things do happen if we do go for what we really want and say what we are really thinking/feeling. Not only does everyone--including ourselves--respect us for having balls, but we often end up getting what is was that we asked for.
I've tried online dating, and I see this a lot. I swear, everyone online ``loves their job'', ``has a wonderful group of friends and family'', ``laid-back but ambitious'', is "comfortable in jeans but looks great dressing up". (I'd actually find it refreshing to read a profile where a woman admits to having PMS and getting around on her broom a few days every month. See at least I'd see she is being honest and so I'd be a lot more likely to believe the sweet things she says after that. But I digress...) And I used to be in Interview Mode all the time myself. I still catch myself doing it when I feel intimidated or when I really feel a desire to impress someone. And there is a time and place for it too. There's versions of a story you tell your parents, your boss, and your closest friends. Your boss aint your therapist. Neither is your date.
The thing is though, we often overdo it. We also subconsciously feel when we are being dealt with in Job Interview Mode. And when this happens, we don't feel much connection or chemistry with the other person. There's nothing for us to latch onto. We also suspect on some level what the other person is hiding and if they are even worth getting to know. A high-status person tends to say what is on his mind. A low-status person is preoccupied with pleasing others.
No wonder why there aren't too many second dates with online dating.
Anyway, what are we hiding? What are we ashamed of? For myself... well, I earned a PhD, but I nearly flunked out of college. I just had trouble focusing in lectures/groups and even now I just feel a pull to go off and do my own thing. I'm not a great natural athlete but I did get a letter in high school, and I am really proud of that one letter because I know how hard I had to work to earn it.
I've had relationships not work out, despite my best efforts. I've had one-night stands and thought I was way cooler than I really was for that. I've gotten my heart broken, and honestly, I haven't always been as careful as I should have been with other people's feelings in the past. I've been accused of having walls up. I still have moments where I feel incredibly socially awkward, although I'd like to think that by now I've learned to hide it maybe 70% of the time. I'd like to think that I've become a more thoughtful and mature person and a better man as I've gotten older. Lord knows I do my best, despite my shortcomings.
As for my career, I'm good at what I do but I'm not sure if it is my passion the way it was 10 years ago. I sometimes get up in the morning not really sure how or if I am making the world a better place. Meanwhile, I have done a lot of soul-searching for what I really am meant to do, and the one phrase that resonates with me is ``blaze a trail''. I'll just keep pushing and pushing and pushing until I succeed, and I'm convinced God made me so fucking hardheaded for a reason. It's what inspired me to go into science in the first place. I never had a desire to own a big house or a flashy car, but what I really wanted was to solve the big open problem. To be the first to figure out something important and share the knowledge. To be the first to climb the mountain, and then lead the way for others.
Anyway, maybe that is why I am here writing this blog. Not so much that I am going to say something that profound, but I am hoping that someone will find it useful in some way.
This is my experiment in the meanwhile... whenever I catch myself going into Interview Mode I am going to say something outrageous or something that is truly on my mind. I think a lot of the ``nice guys'' especially would benefit from this. I'd say, don't try to impress and don't be afraid to offend. What if you were to speak your mind more at work? Instead of playing up your job as more impressive than it really is, do you really think your date would run if you were to tell her that your job is sometimes just a paycheck for you, and that you had moments where you fantasized about running away and taking a year off. What if you were to tell her that your job is just your paycheck but it's not your passion and that you are doing some soul-searching for what really motivates you? I mean, she can tell whether you are bluffing your way so you might as well be honest.
I guess my point is that great things do happen if we do go for what we really want and say what we are really thinking/feeling. Not only does everyone--including ourselves--respect us for having balls, but we often end up getting what is was that we asked for.
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