Strength....

Yesterday was my first day back in Strength class after a week at home seeing my parents and my grandparents. I will be straight up and say that I didn't like my attitude towards the workout.

We started with my beloved 400-meter run with a 45-pound high-temp plate. I felt sluggish during it. We then get back and do some warm-ups, and then we do 3 stone-to-shoulders a minute for 6 minutes (I used a 115-pound stone), and then after that and being out of breath, we do another 400-meter plate run! I found myself walking for most of it. And then when we came back from that, we were to do overhead plate lunges with our 45-pound plate (!) and then walk 100 meters with our plate overhead.

More than once I found myself dropping the plate, as much in frustration and anger as in being tired. The cheers to "keep on going!!" made me feel like a mule that was gonna kick someone. "Fuck you with there's no stopping shit, I'm stopping. What has gotten into Luis today. I don't want to do this."

It wasn't all bad. We then went back and did 10 sets of 5 push-presses. And then a 200-meter plate run. I felt so bad about my attitude during the last plate run that I made an extra effort this time to give my all--for some reason 400 meters felt insurmountably far but 200 meters seemed quite doable. And then after class, to make it up, I did a 100-meter overhead plate walk. I had to drop the plate 3 times, but I did the whole thing with the plate overhead, and more importantly, this time I gave it an honest effort with a good attitude. I then stayed and did some muscle-ups.

(I don't know why I struggle with holding the overhead position. I am pretty good at overhead squats and even hand-stand pushups. And yet the longest I have ever held a wall handstand is only 57 seconds (or was it over 60 seconds? I'd like to think I could have dug really deep and found those extra 3 seconds to break a minute...) and I am pretty weak in these overhead walks. Anyway, as I need to improve on this, I should actually be doing this more.)

Anyway, this is something that I am working on. Emotional AND physical strength. I realize I still find myself getting all too pissed and frustrated when things don't go my way, and all too happy when things do. And as I admire composure and poise, I also realize that I don't like this trait about myself. Now that I aware of it, I can improve, right?

Feet of clay....

I have really been pushing myself at Strength class at our box, and the results are starting to show. I deadlifted 355 yesterday--well over twice my bodyweight, and in general I feel worlds stronger. Luis, our coach, has us run a 400 meter lap with a 45-pound rubber bumper plate. Running with a 45-pound sandbag is tough enough, but a 45-pound bumper plate is that much tougher as, unlike the sandbag, there is no remotely comfortable way to hold the thing while running. Anyway, the first time he had us do it 5 weeks ago, I had to stop and walk by 250 meters in. Last week I was able to complete the entire lap without stopping.

And then after class I have been doing muscle-ups. I understand that when they appear in the Open, they tend to come towards the end, so I want to be able to bang them out even when I am tired. And it seems to be working. Even after we do Prowler suicides in Strength class, I am able to get out 4 or 5 strict in one set. (My PR is still 7 strict in one set, but that was when I was fresh.)

*********************************

Why did I get into CrossFit Part 2. Well, I know some people got into it to get into the best shape of their lives. Some people got into it because they miss the competition they got from playing sports growing up. I am going to confess something here: I got obsessed with CrossFit to heal something. I got obsessed with CrossFit to deal with my issues. I got obsessed with CrossFit to prove something to myself. This is how can I put it--a therapy of sorts for me.

Growing up, I didn't have a good self-image. I'm not positive where I got it from, except that I was really really good in math and science but not good in sports. I was also socially awkward, and being in a male-dominated field (science and math) didn't help. I just didn't think of myself as lovable and so in my much younger days I even would do things such as sabotage friendships. On some level deep down I had no idea what I could possibly offer anyone else--just being real here.

The one thing I have always had going for myself though, is that I am incredibly stubborn (as I mentioned before several times). Even though I wasn't happy and I wasn't confident, I still knew I was going to do whatever it took for me to get past this.

And by many measures I've largely succeeded. I've moved to new cities by myself and made friends there. I did this several times in my adult life. I had to push myself to get myself out there, but I did it. I (more or less) got over my shyness. I successfully taught a college class. Even though there were hardly women in my classes and my workplace, I still dated my share.  How did I do it? I got more than decent at meeting women. It was either that or be alone (I only recently discovered the option of online dating) so I made myself go up and talk to the girl. And sometimes she even liked me back--enough to give me her number and meet up with me. I loved and lost. I screwed up myself. I was even cheated on, but I eventually got over it.

But in some regards I still felt weak. Do I have what it takes to be strong? How about strong physically? Well, maybe. I worked my ass off in that regards. I can deadlift well over twice my bodyweight. I can bang out strict muscle-ups. I can push-press my bodyweight, and I can overhead squat well over my bodyweight. I still have no endurance though, and I don't have a double-under (although that is something I have been avoiding facing). My Olympic lifts--the C+J and snatch are so beautiful when they are done right in my opinion--still need some work. My numbers are actually decent but my form is not so much. I muscle things where finesse would work so much better.

I definitely can say this: With every heavy lift, with every prowler suicide, I feel that I am growing. And that keeps me coming back for more. Someone I really think highly of complimented me how I always bring the intensity. That made me feel really good.

Anyway to this end, who I would like to meet and date: Well, yes, what I said before about the girl being cute and passionate about something in life. She also would have to be a bit of a bad-ass. But she would also have to be able to relate to all I wrote above. Whenever I meet women who strike me as the "perfect" All-America type who was always beautiful and popular, I actually find myself feeling intimidated and uneasy. I wonder if she would be able to relate to me. It's as I said before: We are attracted to someone else through their strengths, but we connect and fall in love with someone through their vulnerabilities....

What I would do if I won the lottery....

At our box we recently added a strength class. Last week I felt I pushed new limits. Monday I did 10 sets of 3 reps of 225-pound back squats. Now 225 pounds is a heavy back squat for me, and I have never done 30 reps at that weight in a single session. I did it, and my legs were sore for a few days. Wednesday we did sled-push "suicides. (This is one sled-push suicide: first, push the sled to a cone 30 feet away, and then jump over the sled and push it back (from the other side of the sled), and next, push the sled to a cone 60 feet away, jump over the sled, and push it back from the other side of the sled, and the finally, push the sled back from the other side of the sled.) By the time we were done I was seeing stars. I then did a bunch of muscle-ups after class. Friday was more back squats and then some log presses, and then this crazy 6-minute drill of non-stop weighted sit-ups, burpees, and then weighted burpees (!), and then after class I did some tire flips and muscle-ups.

A few questions came up, one with a friend hiking a couple months ago, and another this weekend paddleboarding. What would you do if you won the lottery? Where would you live?

What I would do if I won the lottery, satisfies 2 things:  (A) It offers value to other people in a way that is emotionally satisfying to me [whether or not I yet know how to make a living doing it]. (B) It's something that I am good at, in other words, it utilizes my talents.

With this in mind, I'd love to give a high-minded answer such as that I would go to Haiti, but to be honest, there are plenty of people who are better with a hammer and tools than I am.  I mean, I'm decent but I'm not going to pretend to be great or anything. So something like that is out.

OK then, is it related to what I am doing now for my day job? Well, my day job definitely does utilize my talents. So my day job satisfies (B). But I don't always feel that I am offering value in a way that is emotionally satisfying to me.

Is it related to writing this blog. Maybe. There are some bits and pieces of (A) and (B) here. Maybe people reading this can identify with my search for growth and meaning. And for overcoming things such as poor self-image and lack of confidence. And even a certain amount of procrastinating in going after certain things in my life--such as making a move (see below). And any success that I have at this CrossFit thing may have a "If I can do it anyone can" ring to it. If there is anything I've learned, it is that people will be attracted to you for your strengths, but they will connect to you through your experiences, and even your vulnerabilities and weaknesses.


When it comes to looking for a place to settle down, I would say that the place that I live would offer 3 things: community, challenge, and comfort.  With this in mind,  how does Annapolis stack up for me?

Moderately high on Challenge. Between CrossFit and my job, I do feel that I am growing in some meaningful ways. I'm not too far away from some good hiking and I went SUP this weekend. But I'm not near things such as surfing or skiing.

High on Comfort. I know where everything is here. I have a lifestyle and a steady paycheck, and a nice place with strong air-conditioning.

Moderately low on Community. I've made some good friends here. But Annapolis can be a hard place to make friends or date if you are a single guy in his 30's moving here. Seems that most people anywhere near my age have settled down and have families already.

To this end, I am strongly considering a move to San Diego.  High on Challenge and even Community.  I made a couple of friends 4 years ago that I am still friends with even to this day. People just seem to be more welcoming out there than they are here in Annapolis (there are a lot of exceptions as I have met some great people here) and dating seems to be a lot easier for me out there.  But it is low on Comfort as I currently do not have a job waiting for me at the moment.

More to come.

I gotta comment: "people who need people..."

Random post.

The old expression was (I think) "people who need people are the happiest people in the world". If you look at the self-help literature nowadays, "people who need people" are viewed as dysfunctional. Well, this is my take.

No person can build himself up into a self-sufficient island. We are wired to want meaningful human contact. And even besides that..

At a VERY basic level: When I stop to go get my coffee in the morning, I'm hoping that the barista finds me tolerable enough so that she doesn't put arsenic into my coffee (I hear arsenic tastes like almond). Then when I go to work after that, I hope the boss likes me enough to keep letting me into the front door and allowing me to earn a paycheck that keeps a roof over my head. Then when I stop to get my car serviced at lunch on occasion, I hope the mechanics are decent enough to fix my car properly so I don't discover their errors by getting stranded on the highway in the 95-degree heat. Finally, when I stop at Whole Foods at the end of the day, I hope they find me respectable enough to actually let me into the door to buy my food.

So we care about how other people view us. I think it's perfectly natural to care (and not a sign of weakness), because on some level we are reliant on them for our survival. I suppose that if I were a lion, tiger, or bear and could just chase my food down and overpower it, I wouldn't be so dependent on the commerce system to allow me to just buy my meals. Not to mention that I wouldn't have to buy shelter and transportation. But well, I'm not, and so in the meanwhile...

I suppose some reading this are saying that I could learn to grow my own food, diagnose and fix my own car (that is becoming harder and harder as everything becomes run by more intricate electronics), and take my own medical care into my own hands. But how well would that really work. I'm not sure I'd be a decent farmer (I don't kill plants but I don't have a green thumb), mechanic (I'm decent with my hands but no doubt others are better), or doctor (I'm done with school!)

Someone can and ought to, first of all,  become more self-reliant. It's great to know how to cook, drive a stick, change a tire, and (thanks to strength training) be able to take care of myself physically. Someone can and ought to, secondly, develop skills that make his presence more valued by other people. Some skills are professional (someone is more valuable learning a new programming language), some are personal (someone's company is more desirable when they know how to really listen to others say). That I think is meaningful self-development.

I would say that the biggest thing one can strive for is a cause to fight for. If you think about all the people we admire, it is those who keep pushing for something great, even as they face critics. Something better for themselves or others. It doesn't have to be high-profile. It has to be something that gives you a sense of satisfaction, a sense of contribution.

We all love and admire passion. Why does everyone dig scars? What do you think they signify?

Employers, Ray Allen leaving and New England sports fans

It's been a while since I have written. Today I am going to take on a new subject.

I am a big Boston Celtics fan, and I was saddened to hear that Ray Allen signed with Miami. BUT, I think the anger that many New England fans feel is short-sighted.

People leave employers all the time for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it is about things besides money. Things such as how satisfied you feel in your role in the company and even how respected you feel in your line of work.

I know, because I have left an employer for reasons like that. The company was very good to me and I really liked the people I worked with, but I felt forced to play "out of position" and I felt my best talents were going underused.  It wasn't anyone's fault, it was just the nature of the business and the styles of the people who ran the place. Anyway, I accepted another job offer while I was working on an important project for the company that I was working for at the time.  I really wanted to leave the company I was working for at the time in a better place, so I postponed my start date for my position with the new company by a couple of weeks, and (before I told my current employer at the time that I would soon be leaving) I spent my last few weeks busting tail to finish the project I was working on for my current employer at the time. After spending a week straight of really late nights at the office, I was finally satisfied with what I had done with the project, and I delivered it the next day to my current employer at the time and they were very happy with it.  Then the next day, after I delivered my project, I gave my notice. To this day I'm proud of the fact that I didn't lay down my last few weeks on the job (in fact, I worked my ass off to finish the task at hand) and I believe they appreciated my efforts as well. My last day they took me to lunch, and they gave me some extra money my last paycheck.

They didn't lobby too hard to keep me when I gave my notice though because they'd be fine without me. And they were. Anyway, my former employer and I are on good terms. Why wouldn't we be? We treated each other well. I did leave, but I worked hard to deliver the goods for their money.

Anyway,  getting back to Ray Allen, it was a pleasure to watch him play for the past 5 years. He was a huge part of the 2007-2008 NBA Championship. Meanwhile, it sounds that he made all sorts of sacrifices to fit in. In his last few weeks with the Celtics, he played hurt and still scored in double figures a game. So, what exactly does he owe the Celtics? What's more, he had to accept falling behind on the pecking order to younger teammates (Avery Bradley replaced him in the starting line-up, supposedly on behest of Rajon Rondo which is just how things sometimes go in professional sports but it still must have been hard for someone who was making the All-Star team when Bradley and Rondo were still kids).

Ray Allen also had to endure trade rumors. He nearly went to Memphis in March. Isn't loyalty a two-way street?

Last but not least, I didn't even talk about all the community service Ray Allen did in Boston.

New England fans are intensely passionate. But I think they forget that athletes are human too and have to deal with issues on their job too. One such issue that most people don't have to deal with is having to step aside or accept a lesser role as they get older even after years of All-Star performance. Anyway, many sports fans don't accept the athlete's prerogative to look for the best fit for him. Just as anyone else has the right to look for a new employer if he isn't happy with his current employer.

Feeling at home here, or not...

I set a couple of PRs this week in the box. For some reason I never could hang-snatch 135--which is the bar plus a big plate on each side so it's sort of a milestone weight. (What is the difference between hang-snatching a weight versus snatching it? When you snatch a weight, you pull the weight off the ground before you explosively open your hips. When you hang-snatch a weight, your movement starts with the weight stationary while already against your thighs (just above the knees) instead of the ground. That you don't get the momentum of the weight already coming up from off the ground plus the fact that your grip is somewhat fatigued (from holding the weight at the start of the movement instead of the weight being supported by the ground) makes the hang-snatch harder than the snatch.) I decided this week that I was going to conquer this. I warmed up with 95, and I wasn't feeling very good with that set. I did a couple with 95 until I coordinated my jump and shrug. When that felt dialed in, I did 115. Then 125. For some reason that felt the easiest yet.

Then I decided to go for 135. I took all the small plates off the bar and put on a big plate on each side. I dead-lift the weight with a snatch grip, and then bend at the hips sticking my bit back, and consciously arch my back to engage my hamstrings. I repeat in my mind my mantra "jump and shrug and stomp" and then go for it. Nailed it! I tried it again. Yes.  I ended up doing 7 hang-snatches (although not in the same set). 

My goal is to get a body-weight snatch by the end of the year--which is 165 pounds.

I then did a set of 7 muscle-ups. They just seem to be becoming easier and easier for me. Probably because I work on them so damn much.

********************************************************

I keep having the same dreams over and over. In one dream I'm wondering this dark land, sometimes it's a barren desert, sometimes it's an urban setting. In another dream I am wandering this island, where it's supposed to be paradise, but it's  clouding up and a storm is coming in. And there is somewhere else I'm supposed to be and so I'm hustling away from there. I'm in the hotel lobby on the phone soliciting a taxi to take me to the airport. In yet another dream, I'm navigating a bunch of roads going through woods and over hills and one road goes along a river. It's a nice enough day outside. But I never quite arrive at the destination. 

I've been here in Annapolis for 4 years and each year has been rewarding for me. I've made each year rewarding.  I've met some awesome people here. I pushed myself a lot and so I grew a lot in the process. And yet, there are plenty of times where I feel that I don't fit in. I don't think Annapolis is home for me. 


Maybe the time is soon coming for me to move on from here. I'm quite OK with that. I'll keep my friends here. I've also lived in several places by myself as an adult. And I've moved to each one of them not knowing anyone and yet each time I ended up making a decent life for myself. I made friends. I dated. I did this moving into Baltimore, Princeton, San Diego, and here in Annapolis. I could sure as hell do it again. In fact I am more well-prepared for a move to a new place than any other point in my life up to now.


I might feel differently about this place if I met someone from around here and we started dating seriously. But if I did meet such a woman anywhere within 50 miles from the 21403 zip, I don't think it would be someone who lives in Annapolis. Why not?


Well, I do online dating, and my response rate is much higher writing the women in the DC area than it is writing the women here. This even though I live some 45 minutes away from the women in DC while I live only a short drive sway from women in Annapolis. It just seems much harder to find here someone who has what I am looking for--smart, athletic, healthy, AND truly single. It seems like most of the women around here who could be what I'm looking for, are taken--married, engaged, or someone else's girlfriend--or are really entrenched in their social circles which include too many exes, for my taste. And many of the women who are what I am looking for, and who move in here from somewhere else, seem to get swooped up quickly.


That said, I've dated a fair amount despite this anyway. I haven't met the right one yet though, and that is what I am really looking for. How did I meet women? Mostly online. I met a few at Whole Foods.  That might be a subject for another blog post.

Not being a fan...

Or should I say, not being *just* a fan.

Before class on Tuesday I came in early to work on my lifts. I love this extra work because I am seeing and feeling the results. Anyway, I worked on snatches and overhead squats.

I start with the 45-pound bar and hang power snatch it. I feel a twinge of pain from my wrists. I try to bend down into an overhead squat but I wasn't going down. I am really really stiff. I do a couple more with the bar, and then I add a 25-pound plate on each side to make it 95 pounds total, and that helps. The extra weight actually helps pushes me down into an overhead squat. My wrists still ache a bit, but not as much. I do a few of those until I feel warmed up.

I then do a few 115-pound hang power snatches to warm up.

Finally I take off the smaller plates off the bar, and put a 45-pound plate on each side of the bar for 135 pounds total. I then squat down and snatch-grip the barbell. My body is still reluctant, but I'm going to push through anyway. I snatch the barbell overhead (no pressout), and then with my arms still locked out, I do 7 overhead squats, perfect form and depth. Nice. Feeling quite satisfied, I then drop the barbell from the overhead position and let it fall to the floor with a satisfying thud.

My wrists are no longer aching.

I do this two more times--a snatch from the ground with the 135-pound barbell and then with my arms already locked out overhead, 7 overhead squats, resting a couple of minutes between sets. I am feeling so fired up that even though I said I wasn't going to do any muscle-ups, I do a set of 4.

Then it's time for the class workout, a smoker of 4 rounds of 10 hand-stand pushups, 15 1.5 pood kettlebell swings, 10 burpees, and then a 200-meter row. Even though there was a 6-minute rest between rounds, by the time I am done I am on my hands and knees unable to talk and dripping sweat on the floor.

Why am I doing this?

I think about why and I realize that I never wanted to be just a fan. I want to be the one with the stories and lessons, the one blazing the trail. I've always admired athletic accomplishment, and so I want that to be me as well. I want to be someone pushing the limits and overcoming obstacles.

I know I'm not unique. I work out with some amazing people. People who are making things happen in and out of the box.

And yet I'm battling myself a lot too. As I am writing this I have a stiff back. I have to curtail my intensity before I turn myself into an old man. I am incredibly lazy sometimes too. One part of me is so focused, and yet another part of me can be a slacker with the best of them.

Nuts eh?